Marriage Material: Part 1
How to be who you think he thinks he wants you to be, and effectively lose yourself in the process.
After *quite* a long hiatus from writing my personal stories and musings, it’s time for me to re-enter the conversation with myself. I wrote the following blog post in 2015 after having lived one hell of a single life. There were entanglements, affairs, one week stands, path-altering love, and delirious infatuations that kept me so busy (read: distracted) I barely had time to write about it. But all throughout, there was the sense that I was just not the marrying kind. Everyone loved me but nobody loved me, you know? And most of my friends- many of whom were much more tame and sane than I was- were having the same experience. It was confusing and frustrating, and in our youth we didn’t understand the inner workings of our paths to love. It’s from that place that this satirical treatise arose.
When I found myself in a serious relationship in 2015, a few months before my 30th birthday, I was in a state of shock. I had gotten used to the idea that I was not “marriage material” and never would be. This is of course a subjective concept, but in an era of “self help” books with titles like “Why Men Marry Bitches,” it’s easy to understand why those of us who don’t have the will to feign boundaries and attitudes we don’t really possess, would give up on finding a partner who accepted us as the messy, adventurous, beautiful disasters that we were.
You can feel the anger in these words. Even though I had a committed partner, I still felt like I had to change who I was and hide my past in order that he would feel certain of me. I’ll leave it here for now… and in Part Two, I’ll be asking myself what’s changed for me since writing this… and also what hasn’t. Eeek.
Occasionally I see listicles pop up in my various feeds from matchmakers detailing the classic ways in which a woman can repel a man during the early stages of dating, based on their research as a professional real estate agent of humans and probably one year of studying communications at a community college (no judgement, because.) Now, I am no professional, but I do display unwavering impeccable judgment and self-control which has landed me in a committed, monogamous, relationship, just like all the unsolicited advice claimed it would! So now that I’m a verified sexpert, I figured I owed it to the single women of the world to share my insights about how to get and keep the men folk.
HOW TO CATCH YOU A MAN AND KEEP HIM —THE DEFINITIVE LIST OF THINGS TO ABSOLUTELY DO/NOT DO:
1. PUT YOUR PHONE IN THE MICROWAVE. Microwave on HIGH for 1-2 minutes or until a fire breaks out. That way, you will be so overwhelmed with the financial implications of having to purchase a new phone that texting him will be the last thing on your mind! And the best part is, when he goes to text you (I mean, he won’t, but IF) and the message turns green, he’ll automatically assume you are super in-demand and he’ll remember you being hotter than you actually are and he’s lucky to even have your number (or did you give him a fake? HE MAY NEVER KNOW. You win.)
2. TAG HIM IN ALL YOUR BEST PHOTOS. That way, he knows you were cool as fuck even before he met you. Then block him so he doesn’t get the wrong impression.
3. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST HERSELF, DO NOT FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE. Or the second. Or the third. You know what? Don’t ever have sex again. THAT WAY, you don’t ever have to worry about not being considered Wife Material. Think about it. If you fuck too early, or with too much enthusiasm, your man may get the wrong impression that you actually enjoy sex on your own volition and therefore see you for what you are: a wanton harlot. Does he want to marry a harlot? NO. OMG GROSS, NO. Do not be a harlot.
4. FURTHERMORE, A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. If you already fucked up and failed to take my explicit advice on #3 and accidentally fell on to your date’s dick, you are absolutely not allowed to have any expectations for his behavior once you’ve dismounted his piece. You will never hear from this man again, and with good reason. If you do hear from him, it will be late at night and accompanied by a request to bring tacos and send tit pics in advance. You must not be offended by this. This was your own doing. Therefore you are not allowed to expect your unwitting accomplice to treat you with kindness or respect afterwards and you are required to deeply regret turning him in to a shitbag, which he definitely was not before you slept with him. This is your fault.
5. MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS MEALS BEFORE YOU. It’s natural for men to want to be the pack-leader. A great way to establish this dynamic is to make sure he eats his dinner first, while you sit in silence (DO NOT TROUBLE HIM WITH YOUR PITHY YAMMERING JESUS.) This may sound a tad archaic, but I don’t make the rules, nature and men do.
6. TURN YOUR APARTMENT INTO AN ESCAPE ROOM. In the preliminary stages of dating, men need to feel like they have earned you… they are God’s hunters after all. A great way to elicit their Huntsman instincts is to create a series of riddles and obstacles for him to complete before he gets to take you for sushi.
7. YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. Look, dating is hard, but rest assured you’re doing it all wrong and have been for years. There’s some peace in that, right? So I’ll leave you with this: Be confident, but not too confident. Be smart, but not smarter than him. Be yourself, unless yourself wants to fuck him. Be graceful and warm, but steel yourself and remain detached.
Above all, remember that there are only three single men, so keep your eye on the prize and follow the behavior I’ve prescribed for you. Good luck out there!
…. In case it isn’t clear, this post is for all the women who feel alienated and shamed by “advice” shared by experts. You’re doing just fine and I love you.